


Not Close Enough

by crimsonlurker



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Character, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-25
Updated: 2014-08-27
Packaged: 2018-02-14 14:20:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,216
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2195007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crimsonlurker/pseuds/crimsonlurker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A ghoul-less college AU where Kaneki works at the library and notices that another student (Hide) keeps looking over at him.  An easily spoken confession leads to an entire year of...friendship.  That was a confession, wasn't it?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Encounter

**Author's Note:**

> Okay guys so I wrote the whole thing in a weekend and it's the first fanfic I've actually finished in forever. So...enjoy?

The bright noisy kid was back. And he brought friends this time. 

Kaneki was organizing a bookshelf when he noticed him. It was hard to miss him, really; he wore blindingly bright clothes and had messy blond hair. He was easily excited and his voice was a bit too loud for a library setting. 

Thankfully, the boy was quiet today as he appeared to be absorbed in his work. Occasionally he would click his pen, or tap it against his book, but for the most part it was tolerable. 

Kaneki worked at this library on his college campus, so it was normal for a student to visit it often. What wasn’t normal was the fact that every once in a while he’d catch the same student staring at him—the student whose laugh disrupted the library’s silence and whose smile was contagious.

That student was here now, quietly studying. Kaneki hated when he found himself sneaking glances at the boy because this meant he was also partly to blame. Although, Kaneki didn’t know why he wanted to look—was it because he felt the boy’s eyes on him? Or did he get some sort of weird pleasure from looking? 

Seeking solitude, Kaneki would usually escape to the stacks and get lost in the rows of books. But today was different because the boy’s eyes rarely left the pages of his book, thus freeing Kaneki from their gaze. 

Kaneki busied himself with putting away books out here in the lobby where the students could sit at tables or use the computers. 

“Sorry, but I’ve got to go to class,” said a voice from where the boy sat. “I’ll see you later though, Hide. Don’t forget the assignment that’s due.”

The boy looked up from his book and smiled. “Yeah, I should work on that, huh?”

“Good luck.” And with that, the friend left. 

All Kaneki could do was toss around the name ‘Hide’ in his head and feel embarrassed from the happiness he felt. Maybe he should go back to the stacks after all. But before he could, he overheard the other two friends leaving Hide alone at the table. 

The sudden pressure was terrible. Hide was free to glance around the room again and his gaze landed on Kaneki, creating another moment for Kaneki to scold himself for. 

Kaneki’s heart was beating faster for no good reason and he hated it. He hated this feeling that made him think that running and hiding was _the best_ idea right now. When he heard Hide putting his books away, Kaneki calmed slightly. However, instead of leaving, Hide moved to sit at one of the computers and he stayed there researching for at least half an hour. 

This new calm didn’t last long. Not when footsteps approached Kaneki from a familiar direction. Not when bright colors entered his peripheral vision. 

“Excuse me, you work here, right?” asked Hide as he stood beside Kaneki. 

Kaneki turned his head and was taken aback by just how close the boy was. “Yes, can I help you with anything?” asked Kaneki as he tried to focus. 

“I’m looking for some secondary sources about Franz Kafka’s work. It’d be great if they focused on _The Metamorphosis_ , but I’m having some trouble finding them.”

Kaneki was very familiar with the topic so they walked back to the computers and he showed Hide some good electronic sources that analyzed the work. 

“Then you can copy the citation here to use in your bibliography.” Kaneki hovered near Hide’s spot at a computer. “I can also bring you some books that might be helpful if you want?”

“Thanks, but I might mess up the citations for those.” Hide quickly jotted down the citation that was on the screen.

“I could help you,” offered Kaneki.

“If it’s not too much trouble…”

“I don’t mind. Do you want to see where the books are or should I just bring them?”

“Ah, I’ll go with you.” He hurriedly logged off the computer and grabbed his backpack.

The stacks were quiet as Kaneki searched for the right books. He still felt nervous around Hide, but literature was a favorite of Kaneki’s and he wanted to be helpful. He was also just doing his job, so the nerves lessened.

He pulled a few books from the shelves and led Hide to a table. 

“You can sit down, you know,” said Hide as Kaneki stood nearby. 

Kaneki pulled out a pen and said, “But the citations won’t take that long…” 

Hide pulled out the chair next to his. “I might take a few minutes to skim through them first.”

“Oh.” Kaneki sat in the offered chair, unable to ignore the invitation. “Take your time, then.”

Minutes passed and although Kaneki simply enjoyed being in the other’s presence, he also felt bare without a book in his hands. He also wondered if he was allowed to take a break like this, which reminded him of the time and—

Kaneki’s stomach growled much to his embarrassment. Hide looked up from the book and they both began to apologize at the same time. 

“S-sorry.”

“I’m so sorry.”

“What?” asked Kaneki, wondering why exactly Hide was apologizing.

“Did you skip your lunch break or something? You should’ve told me, I would have let you go.”

“That’s—.” Kaneki looked down at his watch. “I leave soon anyway. It’s not your fault.”

“No, no, it really is.” Hide looked more worried than Kaneki had ever seen him before. It was pretty humorous to Kaneki. Hide continued, voice growing a bit louder and more determined, “You have to let me make it up to you.”

“You really don’t need to—”

“Let me buy you lunch.” His eyes were stubbornly set on Kaneki’s and he leaned in slightly as he spoke.

“That’s crazy, why would you have to—”

“If I don’t, the guilt might eat me away so just say it’s fine?” He gave a small smile and now Kaneki knew he was weak when it came to Hide.

Kaneki searched Hide’s face a bit more before caving in with a sigh. “You’re so strange. If it’ll make you feel better then I guess it’s fine.” 

“Really?!” Hide’s smile widened with delight, citations completely forgotten. “Then I’ll put these books away and wait for your shift to end.” And with that, he scooped up the books and returned to the stacks before Kaneki could ask him if he needed help.


	2. Motive

A part of Kaneki felt tricked into this lunch. Hide just seemed so happy at this turn of events that it made Kaneki suspicious of his motives. 

They were eating burgers in a corner of the cafeteria and Hide was offering Kaneki an array of snacks. He pushed some across the table, saying “Eat anything you want, I’ll buy more if I have to! It’s my treat!”

After eating in a rare moment of comfortable silence, suddenly Hide’s smile faltered and he hummed thoughtfully. “You just came to lunch without knowing my name.” 

That wasn’t true, but Kaneki wouldn’t mention that. “Same goes for you.” 

Hide looked surprised for a brief moment before exclaiming, “You’re right!” Kaneki was startled by the outburst. Hide continued more calmly, “I’m Hideyoshi, but you can call me Hide.” He ended that with a wink but Kaneki barely registered it. “And your name?” 

“…Kaneki. Kaneki Ken.”

“Kaneki,” he tested the name out and asked, “I don’t see you around campus that often. Do you commute?”

He gave a small nod. "I live close by.”

“Hm. So do I. But I’m in a lot of clubs so I spend plenty of time here.”

Kaneki took a sip of his soda, still trying to figure out what Hide wanted from him.

When Kaneki put the soda back down, Hide asked, “Hey, do you think you’d want to hang out again sometime?”

Was this the motive? Kaneki replied, “If you want to.”

Hide tore open a snack and spoke in that laid-back manner he possessed. “Well, obviously I want to. Can’t you tell that I like you?”

Kaneki flushed, unsure how to take those words. “I’m…sorry, what?”

Hide scratched his cheek nervously. “Did I get it wrong after all? I thought, all those times…” he hesitated and stopped the nervous tic, then continued, “I thought you were interested? I’m sorry if I made a mistake. We can still hang out and be friends though, right? So it’s cool.” He smiled apologetically at Kaneki.

Something tugged at Kaneki’s heartstrings as he listened to Hide and watched his expressions. Maybe Kaneki had looked over at Hide too many times at the library. But was this okay? Hide was really okay with this?

“Or not?” said Hide when Kaneki didn’t respond. “You also could never talk to me again and I’ll leave you alone. I won’t bother you at the library, I promise.”

“…Really?” asked Kaneki. 

“Yeah. I might die of loneliness, but you wouldn’t catch me staring again. Ah wait, what am I saying? Don’t think about me. I won’t die. Just think about what you want.” 

With every passing second, Kaneki’s affection grew. Hide was trying hard to not force Kaneki into anything, but his own feelings kept showing through. 

Finally, Kaneki said, “I think I want to know you.”

“I can work with that,” said Hide with a grin. “Then you admit you were struck by my charms?”

Kaneki gave him an unimpressed look, taking in his appearance. “I think I was looking at your bright clothes.”

“Really?” Hide said, giving the idea some thought as he pulled at his jacket. “Maybe you’re right,” he laughed. “Then maybe I was looking at your dark clothes,” he said as he slumped against the table to be a bit closer and stare at the front of Kaneki’s shirt. He looked at the mix of grey and black, eyes trailing up to rest on Kaneki’s face instead. “Thing is, I remember that I wasn’t.” 

Kaneki was too embarrassed to let the gaze linger from so close by. He stood up to throw away wrappers and his soda can, effectively putting some distance between them. He wondered how things were going to be from now on. Kaneki didn’t have any friends here and he didn’t really know what Hide was going to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the end, I edited this chapter a bit more (so I guess the whole thing wasn't written in a weekend—there goes my excuse for the poor quality).


	3. Stay

Hide turned out to be more than Kaneki expected. He was a friend and occasionally he was Kaneki’s voice. He would speak for Kaneki if he sensed that he was welcome to. He was loyal and honest, observant and supportive—and he chose to stay by Kaneki. It was as if Hide had practiced this friendship before; he could read Kaneki and react perfectly in any situation.

Hide would also innocently touch Kaneki whenever he could, greeting him with a hug or grabbing his shoulder, tugging him this way and that, standing close. 

Kaneki wasn’t bothered by much of what Hide did—it was similar to having a puppy wag its tail near you or tug on your pant leg.

This was normal behavior between friends after all, right? And that’s what they were now—a year after that first unexpected lunch date—best friends. Hide never made any move past friendship. Recently, this started to bother Kaneki.

Because Hide never initiated anything out of desire, Kaneki was left to ponder over their first meeting. Didn’t Hide admit to liking him? The lunch was meant to be a date, wasn’t it? It’s been a year, so could Kaneki be remembering things wrong? 

_It has been a year._ And Kaneki even had a girlfriend at one point. She was gorgeous and kind at first, but in the end she couldn’t accept Kaneki. They both wanted different things from their relationship. She poisoned Kaneki by making him fear future rejections. No one would ever accept him like this. 

Now he guarded his affection while worrying about Hide’s. What had happened to Hide’s affections?

Kaneki couldn’t stand it for much longer. Was Hide lying back then? It made no sense to lie about affection when all you wanted was friendship. So something must be stopping Hide from getting too close. Kaneki frowned. Or maybe Hide just grew to prefer a friendship with Kaneki. Maybe Kaneki is worrying about affection that has died out. Not knowing the truth was maddening.

It was getting dark out already, but Kaneki knew that Hide’s club activities were ending soon. He sent Hide a text asking to meet him outside the library so that they could talk. Hide replied with an ‘I’ll be right there!!’

Hide managed to get there quickly and pounce on Kaneki from behind, spinning him around so that they were face to face. “Kaneki!” he whined, grabbing onto his shoulders. “What’s wrong? We can talk about it all you want, so don’t leave me.”

“Don’t leave you?”

He pouted. “You said you wanted to talk, and that never means anything good. Don’t you know that from all those books that you read? Kaneki, you idiot! Now I’m worried!”

Kaneki laughed, “Calm down, I’m not abandoning you.”

“You’re not leaving?” He looked relieved.

“Of course not.” Kaneki’s commute home was the only trip he planned to take.

Hide let go of Kaneki’s shoulders and touched the spot over his own heart, dramatically saying “Don’t scare me like that. Kaneki, I could have _died._ ”

Kaneki rolled his eyes. “I doubt it. Anyways, do you want to sit down out here?” He looked at the few round tables in front of the library on either side of a path.

“Sure,” said Hide, bracing himself for whatever was next. They walked over to an empty table and sat down. People walked by and Kaneki wished he had chosen a more secluded place to talk, but a college campus was busy everywhere. It would be easier to have privacy once it was darker out, so Kaneki was glad it was dusk.

“So,” began Hide, “go on, I’m here to help.”

Every question Kaneki had rehearsed suddenly escaped him. He tried to piece together what he wanted to ask. “I wanted to know if you still…see me in the same light? You thought there was something…here,” he made a vague, weak hand gesture between them. “Maybe you’ve changed since then, but I keep thinking about it.”

Hide grabbed Kaneki’s hand under the table and squeezed it, causing the boy to flinch. He looked at Kaneki with determination. “Kaneki. I haven’t changed. If anything, I like you even more.”

The fact still remained that Hide never acted on his feelings. A whole year had passed! Kaneki was stunned that Hide still felt the way he did—Kaneki hadn’t shown any signs of returning his feelings, had he? He was careful not to, because feelings led to other things that he wasn’t comfortable with (though he did harbor and treasure his feelings for Hide). Yet Hide was still by his side. He didn’t know whose fault this was, but he was growing annoyed and sad at the same time. 

He didn’t want to lose Hide. This he was certain of. Alarms rung in his head at the very thought of losing him.

“How can you say that?” asked Kaneki. “You’re satisfied with just this? I can’t give you much more…” He struggled to explain. “There’s a certain line I’d rather not cross. A level of intimacy I really can’t get into.” There. He said it. Was that clear enough? Hide was perceptive, maybe he already noticed? Was that why he avoided anything intimate—because he assumed that Kaneki wouldn’t like it? If so, then how did he come to that conclusion?

Hide smiled gently. “I’ll take whatever you want to give. Just being with you is enough.” He chuckled, “Hey, cheer up. Trust me, there are…far stranger things that you could be. You could go all Jekyll and Hyde on me and I’d still like you.” 

_Jekyll and Hyde?_ thought Kaneki, slightly confused. _That’s an extreme case to deal with. Why mention—maybe I’m over-thinking it. It was just an example._

Hide studied Kaneki’s face, searching for any sign of remembrance, for any internal switch to finally flick on. There was nothing but bewilderment staring back at him. His chest began to hurt. 

“…You knew?” asked Kaneki. “How did you find out?”

Hide swallowed his disappointment and continued to comfort and explain. “I figured it out pretty quickly.” He still held onto Kaneki’s hand, but his grip loosened. His thumb rubbed over Kaneki’s knuckles as he spoke. “You’re just not interested in that sort of thing. I noticed it when you were with Rize. You were all lovesick when you saw her reading the same book as you, so you two hit it off. But it ended because she wanted to go further than you did, right?”

Kaneki nodded. He had told Hide all about Rize. Thinking back to the relationship, he could remember Hide being leery at first. Being with Rize was like being under a spell, and Kaneki had forgotten all about Hide’s feelings. _I’ve been blind_ , thought Kaneki. 

Hide continued, “She made you feel like something was wrong with you. But nothing’s wrong. Nothing about you has ever been wrong. I want you to know that.” He eased back slightly and sighed wistfully, looking at their joined hands. “I don’t really want to let go.”

Kaneki felt a happiness bubble up within him, followed by an overwhelming urge. He looked around and saw a few people walking nearby. Soon they would walk right past Hide and Kaneki. A small time frame of privacy would open. Kaneki didn’t think about the windows and buildings that surrounded them. It was dark enough. He would be quick. He had self-control.

After the students passed by, Kaneki grabbed the bright yellow arm of Hide’s jacket and pulled him closer. Hide’s eyes widened comically. Kaneki leaned forward and pressed his lips against Hide’s, closing his own eyes. He felt the intake of breath that Hide took, and Kaneki wanted more. Hide’s lips were soft as they leaned into Kaneki’s dry ones. Hide hummed in contentment and Kaneki felt it shoot through him, sparking something inside. Having second thoughts about his own self-control, Kaneki pulled away and took a deep breath.

“Things like that…” said Kaneki as he looked away, pulse racing. “I don’t mind it.” He didn’t want to stop, either. He _really_ didn’t want to stop. He dared a look at Hide—it was hard to tell, but his cheeks looked a shade darker. It was easy to tell that Hide was dazed.

Hide raised his fingers to his lips and let a smile brighten his face before pulling Kaneki into a hug. He mumbled Kaneki’s name softly against his shoulder over and over again. He tightened his hold as if the boy would vanish. Raising his head slightly so that Kaneki could hear his next words clearly, he spoke in a desperate, soft pleading tone: “Don’t ever leave me again.” 

~ ~ ~

When they separate, Kaneki swears that he sees wet spots under Hide’s eyes. 

“Are you crying?” asks Kaneki.

Hide quickly turns away and rubs his face dry. He doesn’t answer.

“…Hide?”

He faces Kaneki and grins. “I’m just really happy!” And Kaneki wants to believe him, so he does.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow I added in a whole lot to the final chapter.  
> (I added in a whole plot twist. What even.)
> 
> Consider an AU where Hide remembers Kaneki from another universe (the canon universe). Kaneki doesn't remember, so Hide works hard to build the same friendship that they had. And Hide has a chance to show Kaneki how much he cares for him, but at the same time Hide is suffering alone with memories that he can't share. 
> 
> Now consider me deciding at the last minute to convey some of this AU in this ghoul-less college AU. Yeah. This chapter is what you get. (I think I tried to hint at it last chapter but it could've been better.) 
> 
> -Also, I shifted tenses there at the very end to show a shift in the mood. I'm still not sure if that's even allowed, or even a thing, but it's there now. So. 
> 
> Thanks for reading my work! Spread the hidekane love for me, okay?


End file.
